“Risk”


It was almost four years ago when I had my last relationship, and it was filled with undeniable immaturity. I have caged myself with left and right cautiousness. (Could it be called immaturity?)

I wasn’t confident of giving “risks”, uncertainties are big questions for me. That’s why I don’t grow, learn and obtained a lame life.

Finally, I took the risk. I entered a relationship. I have thought of it for more than several times. It was not an ideal start for a relationship.

A year before we got hitched a common friend of ours threw his birthday bash, and that’s where we met. It was just a simple “hi” just like everybody else did with everyone. Later on, we were already friends in facebook, but it didn’t really matter, it was just as civil as it was. In short, there were no traces of “more than friends”, nothing at all.

Within the year, I caught myself in a deal; actually, it was a bad one. My friends and I were having fun, they questioned my identity. They teased me to get into a femme-to-femme relationship. There I was saying, “It’s a no sweat job for me! Though, keep in mind, I am a lady.” but they didn’t believe me. It was really funny. I did it for the fun part, and it was, but not for long.

I began to feel something special for the girl, and I had to do something to contradict it. I’ll be dead when my brothers find out that I am a lesbian. Seriously, I’ll be dead, plus, I did not want myself to be caught in hell. (I have nothing against lesbians; I just can’t see myself being one.)

During the peak moments of my “identity crisis” which my friends and I called, I sought help from my friend, a guy friend (the one who threw his birthday bash). “Would you happen to know somebody who’s interested in having a text mate?” I paused for a while and told myself that it was a desperate move. Never did I do that ever in my life. Guys come to me, I don’t seek for them, but this time, nobody’s in to me, so I have to take the action. Just because my feelings for the girl became stronger, and I just can’t leave her behind…we are studying on the same school. I don’t want to put any mess on my name, not that I am famous, I just don’t want to… and the girl’s really sweet. Oh, anyhow, the guy texted me. We began to exchange messages.

We got to know each other more and the attention was successfully diverted. The job should have been done already; I could have dropped the guy, just like the others, but there is something within this guy that holds me back from dropping him.

For a moment, there was a thought that maybe after 4 years of holding back with the “risk”, this might be the time to try it again. Perhaps, this might be a signal that all the pains form the past are already healed.

I was already falling for him; he says he can read me, which is new for me. No guy could ever read me. All girls think of that.  Strange part was I knew a lot of guys, I have been hanging out with some and have been observing my brothers at home, I can tell their variances.. that was before. I was totally clueless about him. I was absolutely clueless. I wasn’t sure if I was challenged, but he got me through that, he was different. He is different.

One day, at facebook, I have noticed a couple of girls posting on his wall, exchanging comments with him with their colorful endearments. It was not good to see, I felt like it was time for me to move back, besides, the mission to divert the attention from ladies to men was already achieved. The only problem was, I cannot take him out of my attention. It had definitely pissed me off, “This is not me.” I have told these words to myself repeatedly.

Thoughts like: this guy’s playing on me, I am one of his options and it might be one of his nature…he’s friendly, and sweet to everyone. I couldn’t take a man who carries such personality. I don’t want to risk with him. This last thought was supported by my close friends.

The moment I knew about the girls, I know what to do. I was about to push it. I was dead serious of dropping him. I don’t want to be an option. Never did I dream of including myself in a girl’s race for a man. I cannot flirt, of all the characteristics to describe me, “flirt” is clearly not one of those. I have tried it before; I was ashamed of myself, that wasn’t me. I pity a man who cannot respect a woman, may they find themselves in hell one day. Hahahaha! Nevertheless, I can’t imagine girls who can’t define self-worth with what they do.

For the very first time in my life, I had the courage to ask who those girls were, what are their significance. It was kind of hilarious; facebook’s getting into my nerves. Just like the other girls around. I am certain that I don’t have any rights at all to question him, I wasn’t his girlfriend, and it was not part of my plan. But then one night, we decided to talk things out, we both cracked the screaming silence. Simple as one plus one, the problem was solved. We we’re both denying that we had existing feelings for each other. The only problem left was, I found out that he was seeing another girl. He was dating two girls within the period we had been seeing each other.

I was shocked, disappointed and was eager to slap his face. But I have no right; besides, it wasn’t his fault that I fell for him. Finally, I told him that I am already uncertain with sustaining my emotions for him, I’d rather let it go with the wind and strive hard to move on as fast as I can.

Of course, I was scared, I am not a rock. I cried out of fear and of thinking about the situation too much.

Another friend of his threw his birthday bash, it was on the 2nd of October 2010.  A Saturday. I was informed beforehand that he and the girl met the night before and I knew that there was something must be discussed between the two. He confessed, and my mood began to twist from the moment he spilled it out. I asked for a few moments before we went out for a talk.

The talk was long,  it was really long, it had ended the following day with the conclusion of engaging ourselves into a relationship.

Today, I am questioning the start, the purpose, significance and the benefits for the growth of both parties.  I am a newbie in this alliance. I don’t know how to act. But I am sure that I want this. I suddenly felt that I have a certain purpose of existence as of that day, it is to make him happy. Nothing more, nothing less.

I do care about this man.

I do trust this man.

I will be loyal for this relationship to work.

I will be the best partner for him.

I am willing to do sacrifices for him.

He might not be the one, but I will do these things, like he is the last guy on earth.

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8 responses to ““Risk”

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